the safe place

there are some of us who are social, engaging and extroverted while some of us are more reserved. we may seem different to the naked eye, but there is one thing we all have in common - we all look for that one place where we can be ourselves, get lost and have no questions asked, where we find all our questions answered, yet no one talks, and as we get out of that sacred place, we feel a sense of inner peace that no other thing or person can give us.

it is, for me, that place where i can always go, which i can trust to keep all my secrets, confide in - every bit of my life, and build a sense of trust which no person, journal or mind can provide. it is neither in the mind nor is it any physical entity. my safe place has no face, no soul but it's presence i can feel - i cannot see where it is but i am always aware when i am in it.

FIZZZZZZZ...

IT is sort of ingrained into all our heads that "India is a melting pot of cultures" or some other statement running closely along these lines. We, in India supposedly celebrate every festival that there is - day after day of holidays, bucket loads of sweets and savory treats, abundant offerings at the temple and to the various gods and goddesses. or so it is made out to be. in recent years i have seen, that even the festival days seem like any other ordinary day. there is no spark, no fervor of the festival. to the outside eye, no one can tell that we have a festival happening. seems like people no longer want to be bothered with the hassles of celebrating any of the festivals, anymore, which is a shame.

i recently went to singapore, during the diwali holidays and we lived in an area called little india. what a sight it was. the whole place was lit up with lights and decorations. it was so festive and lively. and then it got me thinking. in countries like the united states and the UK, they have all of four proper festivals in the year, which  they like to call the holidays - christmas, thanksgiving, st. patrick's day and the 4th of july, their independence day. but each of these holidays are celebrated with such ardor. these are days that people look forward to, and let loose on. friends and family gathered together, cooking and feasting on scrumptious dishes and fulfilling whatever their respective rituals are, lighting the house, setting the table, going to church, offering prayer, exchanging gifts, spreading joy, etc.

what is the matter with us indians? why arnt we  bothered? what is the big hassle in celebrating a few festivals a year? children wait around the whole year for diwali, dussehra and holi only to be disappointed at the end of it because the grown-ups do not feel like doing anything this year. why? arnt festivals a part of our culture, traditions and customs? if we are pushing the very thing that defines our country, how can we claim to be cultured people, especially since we do not honour our own culture and stand true to it?

my inspiration

Every time that I come online, which seems to be quite rare nowadays, I log into my blog and i think of what i could possibly write about. i perpetually look for some inspiration. i know i am a good writer, but somehow, in the last year or so, i cant seem to get into the flow of things. im creative too, i dont doubt that. but i have always prided myself on being someone who writes from the soul. and i cant seem to find satisfaction with my writing, at all. so i look outside. i have been a strong believer in finding inspiration from the world around me, the world that i am familiar to. it makes a lot more sense to me. of course, to the world, the everyday man is just another drop in the vast sea of life. but to me, their tiny everyday success stories are my greatest inspiration. these are people just like me, a huge part of my life. so i find great satisfaction in their achievements.

whenever i am stuck about something, i turn to think about one of those people who inspire me, and think what they would do. and life seems terribly easy after that. i tell you this because i feel i owe tribute to someone in my life who has been a silent contributor to my success, and it is high time she knew it. but first, i have to tell you my story. it has a point, i promise. (if you will take two minutes to read it, you will know what i mean! :D)

for years, my little cousins have looked up to me, doing what i do, basically following my footsteps. of my cousins, the oldest, the one closest to my age once admitted to me in a letter, years ago, that i am her role model. that she looks up to me for everything and tried time and again to be like me. i felt great joy in having heard that. at least i make a difference in someone's life. it was a small confession at the time, one that i took great pride in. but around the same time i created this blog, my sister created hers as well.

i remember her often telling me that she loves to write, but that i am a better writer than she is and that one day, she hopes to write as well as me. but a few months ago, i read my sister's blog and i was ashamed and amazed at the same time. why? amazed because my sister is a fantastic writer. i had no clue. she writes about such simple things, but they always have such great depth to them. they actually make you think. and she articulates her thoughts so well.

and i felt ashamed because i always prided myself on being a good writer. now, after reading what she writes, i feel totally inadequate. i still do continue to write, but i always have a feeling of being incomplete. it is a nagging feeling. but i am still just trying to overcome it.

i guess what i am trying to say is, the little girl closest to my heart, and who looked up to me stands today as my greatest inspiration. and i feel that the world should get a piece of her mind and her talent. so, for all those of you who read this blog post, please do go and check out her blog: rashmikamath.wordpress.com  :)  

alone

i have all the world around me,
but i have never felt more alone.
my eyes turn to look at thee,
but they shut up fast, tremble and moan.
and then i look the other side,
i see you walk away.
i think of when we were friends,
what do you now have to say?
i dont know when it happened,
for what, how or where,
to even think about it,
bless my soul, i do not dare.
i lived under the assumption,
we were as tight as the rope,
but when i saw you walk away,
into bits and pieces, scrambled up my hope.
a blink of my eyelid,
doth change it all i see.
i cried so much it hurt,
but not a tear i have left in me.
it pains so much, i tell you
but to words i can not put it.
all i can tell you,
a nauseous feeling in my pit.
with all the world around me,
i feel all alone.
tired i am so badly,
i can not even moan!

its funny how, even though we know that the only thing that is actual constant is change, we end up believing that some things are going to last forever.  we never fathom that things will change. rather, we dont want to believe that they will. so that should mean that deep down we do realise that today is not going to be the same as tomorrow, right? why then do we get shattered when things do change? why do we turn bitter, cynical, resenful and angry? we knew it was inevitable, right?

we know things are going to change, later if not sooner. than why do we so adamantly cling on to what we have now, only when we are about to lose it? if we really wanted something to last, would we not cherish it till eternity? what is the point for fighting for that thing we are losing, at the last minute, especially when we knew from the beginning that it is not going to last forever?

SPOILT? i say yes.. how can you say no??

"My parents think i am overly spoilt. they dont trust me with money. they think i spend too much, i buy too many things." sound familiar? this is an argument most of us make. why? because we want innumerable things, some of which are rendered over-extravagant and useless, therefore denied. 7 out of 10 children and teenagers face this situation. so, we render it as the plight of the regular kid.

of the remaining three that get what they want, we make a general assumption that they are super rich and terribly spoilt. this sort of territory also comes with a lot of resentment from other people, animosity for the leisures available to them and a fan following, as in a sect of people who wished their lives could be like this. but of this 30%, there lies an odd category of people, such as myself. why do i use the word 'odd', you may ask!

imagine yourself... you think you are spoilt.. never denied anything... given every little thing you find interesting, beautiful or nice... sounds nice isnt it? but also imagine this... the very people who get you all these luxuries do not think that you are spoilt, but constantly rewarded for your endeavors or simply a treat... funny? that in short describes my life.

towards the absolute end of the last year, when my entire family was together, we started a little discussion, which sort of went out of hand and quite a scene happened. my cousin had quite the outburst. the argument was that she wanted pocket money because she wants to know how to handle money better. my aunt's counter-argument? why do you need pocket-money... come ask me for money whenever you need it and i will give it to you. reasonable deal? most would say. but my sister insisted on it.

it got me thinking of my own plight. a couple of months ago, mom and i went to westside. just to do a bit of window shopping. mom kept picking up kurtas and shirts she thought would look nice on me and kept prodding me to buy them. i wasn't really in a mood to buy any. i sort of felt it to be pointless since i already had two cupboards of clothes flowing out of them. after several 'no's mom finally gave up and we left, empty-handed. quite unlike us. we got home and were in the lift, when mom turns around and looks me straight in the eye and says, "you know, i am very hurt that you didn't buy anything today".. and i, for one, was absolutely dumbstruck. imagine your own mother feeling bad that you aren't spending her money!! how many people must want to adopt her now!! :P ;)

2010

at the beginning of each year we wish each other a hail and hearty new year, hoping that our own new year is better than the first ones. on the surface, if truth be told, this past year has been one of my worst years ever. i have resented this year for several different reasons. but when i finally calmed down and got to think about it, i realised that this has been a year in which i have changed soooo much. it has been a year of revelations, most of which i havnt yet been able to understand.

loads of things have happened that i had never dreamed to happen. i am not sure if those were my fault or someone elses or a combined degeneration. but if there is one thing i know, it is that i have learnt a lot of things this past year, and i will eternally be grateful to that. for one, i believe that i have evolved as a person. several things have changed in - i no longer keep things to myself or am afraid to speak out. i speak my mind, and that has gotten me into plenty trouble, but i dont regret any of it. its not always fun to think and analyse everything before saying or doing.

for another, i have realised that i have gotten more confidence and self-esteem this past year, and discovered a side of me i didnt even know i had!! i dont quite want to elaborate on that but i am glad for that change.

another thing most people who are close to me will tell you is that i am always willing to lend a ear and a shoulder to someone in need of it, but very rarely has anyone ever had to listen to my woes and worries. i always felt like i am burdening the world. i still dont tell anyone whats going on with me, if anything, i have started communicating even less - details about my life are very rarely told and never lest asked. but now, i let people come to me with their problems. and if they dont want to tell me, thats fine by me! its not my problem anyways!

i suffered a great loss this year in terms of my friends. everyone around me says that it was for the best. but i am still quite now sure i am able to deal with it. rather, i dont know how to react to it. im still struggling with that. i feel betrayed, for the most part. but it is something i think im used to. its happened before. its easy to accept as long as im not in class. its not fun feeling completely alone.

so yes. i dont know if u will agree with me about the bad year if you read this. i did exclude the details. but this is my pitfall, my demon. and it is something i have to deal with. but this year did teach me a lot. yes, 2010 was bad. but i am thankful for the things i have learnt!! :|