its funny how, even though we know that the only thing that is actual constant is change, we end up believing that some things are going to last forever.  we never fathom that things will change. rather, we dont want to believe that they will. so that should mean that deep down we do realise that today is not going to be the same as tomorrow, right? why then do we get shattered when things do change? why do we turn bitter, cynical, resenful and angry? we knew it was inevitable, right?

we know things are going to change, later if not sooner. than why do we so adamantly cling on to what we have now, only when we are about to lose it? if we really wanted something to last, would we not cherish it till eternity? what is the point for fighting for that thing we are losing, at the last minute, especially when we knew from the beginning that it is not going to last forever?

SPOILT? i say yes.. how can you say no??

"My parents think i am overly spoilt. they dont trust me with money. they think i spend too much, i buy too many things." sound familiar? this is an argument most of us make. why? because we want innumerable things, some of which are rendered over-extravagant and useless, therefore denied. 7 out of 10 children and teenagers face this situation. so, we render it as the plight of the regular kid.

of the remaining three that get what they want, we make a general assumption that they are super rich and terribly spoilt. this sort of territory also comes with a lot of resentment from other people, animosity for the leisures available to them and a fan following, as in a sect of people who wished their lives could be like this. but of this 30%, there lies an odd category of people, such as myself. why do i use the word 'odd', you may ask!

imagine yourself... you think you are spoilt.. never denied anything... given every little thing you find interesting, beautiful or nice... sounds nice isnt it? but also imagine this... the very people who get you all these luxuries do not think that you are spoilt, but constantly rewarded for your endeavors or simply a treat... funny? that in short describes my life.

towards the absolute end of the last year, when my entire family was together, we started a little discussion, which sort of went out of hand and quite a scene happened. my cousin had quite the outburst. the argument was that she wanted pocket money because she wants to know how to handle money better. my aunt's counter-argument? why do you need pocket-money... come ask me for money whenever you need it and i will give it to you. reasonable deal? most would say. but my sister insisted on it.

it got me thinking of my own plight. a couple of months ago, mom and i went to westside. just to do a bit of window shopping. mom kept picking up kurtas and shirts she thought would look nice on me and kept prodding me to buy them. i wasn't really in a mood to buy any. i sort of felt it to be pointless since i already had two cupboards of clothes flowing out of them. after several 'no's mom finally gave up and we left, empty-handed. quite unlike us. we got home and were in the lift, when mom turns around and looks me straight in the eye and says, "you know, i am very hurt that you didn't buy anything today".. and i, for one, was absolutely dumbstruck. imagine your own mother feeling bad that you aren't spending her money!! how many people must want to adopt her now!! :P ;)

2010

at the beginning of each year we wish each other a hail and hearty new year, hoping that our own new year is better than the first ones. on the surface, if truth be told, this past year has been one of my worst years ever. i have resented this year for several different reasons. but when i finally calmed down and got to think about it, i realised that this has been a year in which i have changed soooo much. it has been a year of revelations, most of which i havnt yet been able to understand.

loads of things have happened that i had never dreamed to happen. i am not sure if those were my fault or someone elses or a combined degeneration. but if there is one thing i know, it is that i have learnt a lot of things this past year, and i will eternally be grateful to that. for one, i believe that i have evolved as a person. several things have changed in - i no longer keep things to myself or am afraid to speak out. i speak my mind, and that has gotten me into plenty trouble, but i dont regret any of it. its not always fun to think and analyse everything before saying or doing.

for another, i have realised that i have gotten more confidence and self-esteem this past year, and discovered a side of me i didnt even know i had!! i dont quite want to elaborate on that but i am glad for that change.

another thing most people who are close to me will tell you is that i am always willing to lend a ear and a shoulder to someone in need of it, but very rarely has anyone ever had to listen to my woes and worries. i always felt like i am burdening the world. i still dont tell anyone whats going on with me, if anything, i have started communicating even less - details about my life are very rarely told and never lest asked. but now, i let people come to me with their problems. and if they dont want to tell me, thats fine by me! its not my problem anyways!

i suffered a great loss this year in terms of my friends. everyone around me says that it was for the best. but i am still quite now sure i am able to deal with it. rather, i dont know how to react to it. im still struggling with that. i feel betrayed, for the most part. but it is something i think im used to. its happened before. its easy to accept as long as im not in class. its not fun feeling completely alone.

so yes. i dont know if u will agree with me about the bad year if you read this. i did exclude the details. but this is my pitfall, my demon. and it is something i have to deal with. but this year did teach me a lot. yes, 2010 was bad. but i am thankful for the things i have learnt!! :|